transformation and medicine

hello friends! these photos are me at 5 months pregnant: autumn 2021

my family in our forest home – dec 2021

it feels like spring time is here in the foothills of the sierra nevada– the plum is blooming and the grass is soft—-

and i have a
flower essence appreciation post and a bit of an origin story: (and as you can see, i’m growing a baby– so part announcement as well. 🙂 )

I treasure flower and earth medicine—

a lot of us undergo deep journeys to find healing:

Your medicine will heal you-

We all have our own medicine;
It is as unique as our pain and our wounds
(Mine is wild, and psychedelic
Wild and psychedelic medicine—
Quest to find it)

A spiritual journey is the attempt to see the unseen and widen our vision,
Follow the intuitive trail.
i made my first  purposeful flower essences ten years ago:
california poppy- sweet pea— chicory— the roadside bloomers of late spring here in california..

one of my first experiences of deep healing and coming home to myself
was when i first intentionally worked with flower essences–

i was a young mother of two, living in suburbia- i had just birthed my second son at home when I experienced a loss of my mormon religion and was experiencing despair, insomnia, anxiety, panic attacks during the night, afraid i’d never sleep again—-

trauma from my first birth (emergency c-section while under full anethesia, followed with placing my baby for adoption, and then him returning… long story) was resurfacing as well.
it hurt to be alive. It felt like i had lost myself. i had no coping skills for this type of existential and mental pain.
i had appointments with doctors and psychiatrists and was prescribed a sleep aid, an ssri, and a benzodiazepine.

two of these meds required me pump and dump my precious breast milk (and someone to bottle feed my baby during the night.)

I medicated myself for 24 hours– it was as if the fire of my torment was only suppressed; not extinguished.

i stopped taking the meds.
i was seeking a different sort of balance and healing.

i wanted to feel true joy.

a flower essence practitioner and homeopath came into my life via recommendation of a postparturm advocate my doula knew.

i started with star of bethlehem flower essence-
i had a fever of 104* F for a week while all sorts of stuff burned off inside of me. i nursed my small baby on the couch, eating peanut butter and molasses to try to nourish myself when i didn’t have an appetite—- i went through layer after layer of a lifetime of repressed identity and intuition and emotions.

it was months before i was able to sleep without anxiety but surely the heaviness and darkness lifted—  the healing had begun-
all the while working with a variety of different essences to help with whatever was emerging when one layer/ emotional block was released:

anger. fear/terror. facing change.

i learned that flower essences hold you while you deal/face/integrate with challenging shadow aspects or woundings. flower essences clear blocks that impede us from living lives as our most authentic selves.

they help you remember who you are even when life would otherwise uproot your soul’s sense of self.

i foraged elderberries alongside the wild creek beds– i took a permaculture course. i grew food.
i left my life and home there to honor my heart. (link to my life as a single mom in an urban setting… sharing a rented bedroom wit my two children…once upon a time…)

i’m pregnant again, a baby dancing inside of me. a gift of true love.

i’m writing about flower essences because i have been calling in deep spiritual support for this time in my life==

and the flower essences are there again.

Meta morphosis:::
Pat Barker writes of a doctor who “knew only too well how often the early stages of change or cure may mimic deterioration. Cut a chrysalis open, and you will find a rotting caterpillar. What you will never find is that mythical creature, half caterpillar, half butterfly, a fit emblem of the human soul, for those whose cast of mind leads them to seek such emblems. No, the process of transformation consists almost entirely of decay.”

i’m jumping timelines-
proud of being on this growth edge…

a “total phase shift”
as asia suler has put it.

My wounds have put me on a plant path like many of you, becoming your own wounded healer–
And just because I’ve been working with herbs and mushrooms for years now
Doesn’t mean that I don’t deal with my own wounds and consciousness crises in a big way–

this pregnancy has triggered PTSD like events; i went through a serious anxious/insomnia/depressive/panic attack episode for the months of november and december. it was almost too much to bear. i was exhausted and loosing hope. i had zero ability to enjoy my existence. it was ashes and pain. there was a terror in me concerning pregnancy and post-partum. my consciousness was broken under burn out or stress—- i started to spiral—

again i established care with a psychiatrist because i felt like i needed help. i found a therapist.

i was prescribed the same ssri and benzodiazapine. i have not taken them. they sit in my cabinet, a reminder that there are many approaches to healing—

(in the end i cancelled appointments with both because i don’t feel like i can reach the depths of my pain with their work– or we could only go so far together.– please follow your intuition when it comes to your healing— if pharmaceuticals work for you then that’s awesome and that’s why they exist…)

the flower essences help me reprogram/release: sweet chestnut for the dark night of the soul— elm for exhaustion during a trying time — mustard for deep and unexpected gloom— wild rose for lack of enthusiasm— white chestnut for a mind like a broken record<3

rescue remedy for the overwhelm of it all, growing a child and tossing and turning all night.

i’ve tried virtual EMDR too, hypnotherapy videos, regular exercise, vitamin D and a good probitoic and a healthy diet—and that has been helpful.

(milky oat tops too)

there’s been a light at the end of the tunnel as my pregnancy comes to an end— living with all the discomfort that nearly 40 weeks of pregnancy brings/// living with occasional periods of insomnia which triggers anxiety and depression for me, but the long nights feel more gentle–i’m kinder with the exhaustion and i can embrace and breathe through scary and intense feelings– i have hope that i will feel like myself again—- i have apprehension about the post-partum period because it is by nature very raw, exhausting , and hormonal— but i also cry tears of joy when i envision catching my healthy baby after laboring at home and holding her to my body—-

transformation is messy and murky—

i am learning always to be my own gentle healer.

“Congratulations if you have a dark night of the soul punchcard!” Molly mccord

I have been moving through my deepest fears…

When the wounding becomes the healing,

that is one of
The assignments of our soul’s growth-
Plant medicines to help me through the shadow lands.

I have enough safety to move through the shadow.

It’s Been nearly a decade since my youngest child was born-

as many of you know i’ve been living a magical-infused reality with my sweet beloved partner—

a life as magic as finding yourself in a fairy ring in an old growth forest—- did you know we fell in love on a mushroom hunt?

baby coming during aries season. 🙂 xoxo

truly on the growth edge here– a stretching that has challenged me beyond what I thought endurable-

it’s all new, this growth– streching to the point of tearing

it’s the pain of birth and new life–

can you trust the uncertainty of this metamorphic dark?

Making meaning
Choosing healing
What do you want it all to mean?

i want to see every sensation in my body as a symptom of healing—

I found reishi

On the day I discovered
I was pregnant
The year before
As I bled out an early pregnancy
I sat in the same reishi

just a note, pregnancy trauma is real-

some days life can just hurt– even though you can see the beauty of your life and the fresh possibilities with spring arriving—

i think about my deepest dreams:

and right now i’m wandering wild forest with a big ol’ belly and learning so much about being human.

and learning how to be conscious of my thoughts and intentions as a creator of my existence.

plant medicines have helped me grow in understanding.

i love tending the earth with you and watching our realities unfold— <3 so many dreams come true

i want to forge my own existence with a widened consciousness.

there are still the dreams of gathering here on this new land for me, earth building and tanning hides and weaving baskets– learning together.

i know that dreams come true and i feel so resourced to travel through this underworld-

i’m out in the garden with wood chips, the ducks, roses, and fruit trees—

and daydreaming about holding this sweet spring medicine baby against my chest and sharing this experience with my beloved;

birth at home and watching this dream baby grow.

i can see the light at the end of the tunnel-

i can feel like myself-

thanks for being here with me, community, as i share some of these tender times…

take care and be well on your journey–

xoxo with the flowers, wild and psychedelic forest baby kicking inside me—


if you’re interested in flower essences check out asia suler’s youtube channel, and go ahead and read through the descriptions i’ve shared in my online apothecary for the flowers i’ve connected with —

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