the girl who dreams of mushrooms

-she was always a country mouse,born in a small town-a wild mouse- nibbling-gathering-growing-

our lives were like a throw back–

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creek kids hunting craw dads in a stretch of open and intact wild, in the middle of a small city.tomatoes.cucumbers.planted into dug up lawn.

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here we lived.
the wildness burst from the porch: a young oak-

this house was an incubator– i had left my suburban home and it’s comforts and the marriage there. a radical act that ripped through the life i had known. i moved across the tracks and shared a room in a house with my two sons for a year, and then we moved into this house, all our own. i farmed, failed, and worked sh*tty kitchen job after sh*tty kitchen job to pay the rent ( documented here: and here )

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and then it happened : i grabbed toothbrushes for my children–acted casual- said i was going to visit my mom.

my heart beating, exploding- i was, in fact, escaping.

this was it- all of this, i was done with it. i was done here.

i was leaving the monster that i had turned a blind eye to (do this do that you’re wrong, so wrong, i’m right, let me tell you why, stop that, why are you like this? are you sure you’re not mentally ill? you need to do this- treat your children this way- i’m going to leave you if you don’t change, you’d never make it without me, clean this up, my poor sweet, simple dolly)

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and the sweet pea sang me home and the cards fortold the day before, as i unraveled by the creek: what is happening to me?

my world is shimmering, trembling- my reality is quaking,and shifting-do i hang on tight? do i let go and fly?

i didn’t KNOW it, but my heart did-i had wished this without knowing this is what i was wishing for: THIS alter: the intention: THE COURAGE TO FOLLOW MY HEART. modest. powerful. direct. open.

i was peeling away the known and the sweet pea that would bring me home, freewheelin’ finally, to the country with a prince driving the uhaul.
the sweet peas were everywhere. my heart had won.
the sunflowers were unfolding, ready.

the week before:
oh…. you , hi.i’m……speechless. (and i’ve never seen anyone so beautiful.)

my mouth is dry.

so i dreamt about the mushroom, could i tag along?

i need to be with the mushroom and i know you’re sorta an expert, i’ll bring snacks. meet you there! *so excited can’t sleep gonna be with the mushroom-*

oh  just us?-be cool-i feel like

crying.

laughing.

and i’ve known you, always-and i’m pacing

my heart is racing

you’re laughing and smiling

and glowing

and i’m floating

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-you speak mushroom?

wild flower?

swallowtail butterfly?

mountain meadow?

i’ll keep my hands in my pockets-

i’m sorry if i’m staring–

in this meadow, sit next to me-

collapse in embrace-

hot mouth-

crying

laughing-

i’m dreaming

i’m dreaming. what is this wonderland? and who are you, i love you. i come home with a brown paper bag full of mushrooms, wondering the next morning where they came from. how was it possible?

and on this day i packed up my wagon and left; liberated- exhilarated-not knowing where my home would be but knowing it wasn’t the place i left.

and in the field i saw my best friend- and she caught me- served me tea of this flower.

a week later: all days in the forest. found a small place. miracles. at home.
the sunflower lines the way and he helps me pack up.

he’s here. he’s really here. real. i’m kissing him again and again and again. holding his face. how is this possible? bliss. infinity.

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i’ve experienced rapid and wholly holy transformation– my life changed- because i followed my dreams and connected to medicine.

i now live in the woods with a man i can only describe as magical, together raising my sons. (our two cats, a garden, and a lot of dreams we dream together) i said yes to my heart and there he was. a whole world waiting for me. we’ve come so far and seen so much already.

everyday i look around at my life, knowing magic has happened—the realm i inhabit is a magic place, shaped and created with passion, wonder, and courage.

these feelings color my days.

dreams come true.

every brave leap brought me here-

thanks for reading and sharing with me—-